Sometimes I just.. I'm happy for people being able to be in cool relationships and all. But I'll always have a weird feeling about how difficult it is for someone who doesn't fit into the relationships that society prioritizes to get the care that I know that I crave and need.
I just.. I don't know. I'm in a weird space about it. It's been something I've been dealing with for a long time. And will likely to continue to deal with. I just, don't know what to do. And I can only do so much with my imagination. I guess it'll have to continue to be the best option that I have since I have so much more influence about what happens and what does not happen in my mind.
oddly affectionate (grey)aroace problems I guess.
I'm just thinking about the roles one has to play in order to be gain employment and the masking situation that is often involved. I think about the ways that my mother had tried to instill certain kinds of behavior in me growing up and outside the baseline interaction things, ended up giving up. Mostly because I simply don't interact the way that most neurotypical people do. And refuse to try and fit in any more than I absolutely have to.
Reasons why I enjoy Shudder:
I can casually watch movies that I have been meaning to see for years fairly conveniently. And I can get into the rabbit hole of weird, weird horror mess. Which is quite fun for me.
Anyway, Tetsuo.. that movie is wild as hell. And frankly, I found myself feeling things that I am not sure I am supposed to be feeling watching that. So I am questioning myself a lot right now. Still an entertaining, fascinating and unnerving watch. I'm so glad that I finally got the chance to check that out.
You are raining in I can't escape that feeling You're dripping into the buckets I have placed Where damage isn't already done
I got logged out for a while and never got the chance to come back in.
But it was nice to see all the chances that have been made in the meantime. Updates include - getting into a professional fellowship program where I've been going to retreat and learning about different ways to work with others. And I got let go from my old job which was starting to really really take a toll on me.
But I start a new one that I'm fairly excited about on Wednesday. The difference in how they communicate and respect needs is so very different and so I'm hopeful about the ways in which I will be supported in this new environment.
We finally have a working design wow! Say hi to lemondrop, my monster character in my game i'm slowly starting to make.
On The Topic of Online Art Communitieschanceyreblogs -
It's difficult to be an artist, that much is clear. And with the evolution of social media and the fast paced world, competition and self doubt runs the show nowadays.Not to mention the algorithmic changes happening with every other social media lately, it's nearly impossibly to gather and keep an audience, this is why it's important to uplift eachother instead of relying on "followers". I know I put out this post so that I could find new artists to reblog and support, which I take very seriously and will try to the best of my ability to deliver.
However that won't solve the problem of unseen artists. One person showcasing art is good, however I think something that was wrong with the Tumblr community was the lack of support we felt for one another. Tumblr had a fantastic way to allow art to come directly from the source and be shared around and networked, Waterfall has the same unique feature that could cultivate a perfect supportive community. However we don't seem to care for one another anymore, even I am finding myself less likely to look for new artists or try to help others. Everytime a post comes around that says "artists supporting artists" I see people just dropping their own page, their own info on how to see their own art, but not looking at anyone else's pages/websites/portfolios. I've done it countless times, hell even on the post I linked above people just reblogged it, but not gone in to the notes to see anyone else's page.
Even during the renaissance, the new art motion, artists have been supporting eachother. Artists have always been connected to learn and grow from eachothe, swap ideas, mediums, foundings, etc. Social media nowadays seems to be like everyone is in a giant room, taping content on their section of the wall, but not walking two feet to the left to see anyone else's.
We need to put in the effort to support one another. I'm tired of friends and mutuals becoming insecure about their art because no one will support them.
Spread love y'all, reblog art, look at other artists, use the searchbar and look at the tags ( #art #myart #myoc #artistsonwaterfall/tumblr/instagram)
You could even just click on the tags of this post and find a new friend, follow eachother!
still kind of antsy about not telling my friend about my weird affectionate feelings for them.
when im going to do it. I don't know - my therapist wants me to do so soon. so... maybe this week, i'll get the nerve to ask them to hang out or something.
im just.. idk how to feel about the whole deal anymore.
I found myself thinking a lot about the ways that I honestly feared not being enough when I tried to see people in the past. And the things I did or had done to me in the process, in trying to be enough for others. In wanting people to be around for a little bit longer.
And like..I get angry a little bit because I didn’t know that all that could have been avoided. Well, at least some of it. if I had known that I didn’t need to contort myself to fit needs and desires that I didn’t really even have.
I feel like that’s going to be a thought I’m reckoning with for a little while afterwards. Because having to really understand what I want and expect from others around me is.. such a long process. And one I’ve only really allowed myself to be more serious about my needs fairly recently. I’m still fighting the fact that what I can ask for is relatively simple but within the context of the way society is structured, it feels much, much more complicated than it has to be. And that definitely has put some internalized stress on me.
And it’s shocking to realize, how much.. how much was really in the search of a feeling that you didn’t even know, that you couldn’t even relate to. In search of being adequate to those who may have liked you a little, or some at best, or just wanted things for themselves and cared not for you at all, at worst.
I’m just kind of.. having a moment of letting myself be stunned in that way.
One Happy New Year's y'all.
And two, never drink Diesel (alcohol) just don't do it. It's bad. I was having a pretty good time last night until the host of the pregaming had me taking too many diesel shots on a fairly light stomach. I'm usually pretty good at pacing myself and staying within where I'm comfortable with. but damn. ugh.
So when I was having fun hanging out from about 4-9, shit went left around 9:30 and I ended up home by 10 cause ... I got a little sick.
I'm honestly just kind of annoyed with myself. Even though my friends keep saying I didn't do anything wrong, I just felt pretty embarrassed. Especially since I wanted to say something to this one friend, in particular, that night.
But maybe doing that over the phone some time is probably a better idea since I can be better heard and not trying to deal with too many people out in public.
I'm alright now. Slept it off, should be okay. I'm just... fighting the weird embarrassment that haunts me.
I found that since coming to terms with the whole being aromantic thing, that I've been really a lot more comfortable with myself. I don't have to think about doing things for the sake of others outside of normal things I'd do for friends.
And it's easier for me to understand what my feelings for people are when I know I don't really understand or experience romantic feelings, but I do have other kinds of attraction that are more applicable and relevant to any given situation.
And it's weird because I knew I was probably ace for at least 10 years now off and on. But I've only really discovered I was aromantic because of my failed attempts at dating and the utter disregard I have for whether or not I even bother with dating again. And mostly because I recognize that I was only dating because I like being kind of casually affectionate with people would greatly prefer to be able to do that outside of the expectations that generally come with romantic relationships.
I wore my Depeche Mode Black Celebration shirt to a party full of mostly Black people there. I feel like I did that for my own entertainment only.
Black goth puns problems?
it made me smile anyway so.. a success nonetheless :D
Pretty asks for pretty wordschemicataclysm -
Dulcet: Have you ever actually been in love? Have you ever lied about being in love?
Quintessential: If your life were a book, what would the title be? What would the cover look like?
Incipient: Do you consider yourself "older" yet? Do you miss being a kid?
Moiety: Who do you consider your family? Are they biologically related to you? Or is it an emotional relation?
Mellifluous: What's a song that reminds you of yourself? Why do you relate to it?
Languor: Do you have trouble waking up in the morning? Is it hard for you to fall asleep?
Petrichor: What's your favorite season? Why do you like it?
Aesthete: Do you prefer being outside or being inside?
Effervescence: What's better: tea or coffee? Or do you prefer something else?
Becoming: Are you insecure about your looks? Why or why not?
Ephemeral: What's a good memory from your childhood? What makes it so memorable?
Illicit: Have you ever done any drugs? Do you enjoy them?
Sonder: Do you ever worry about strangers? Do you care about people who don't know you?
Incandescence: How much do you know about stars? Do you know any constellations?
Propensity: What's a quirk of yours that people find endearing? Do you like it?
Inure: Do you have any mental illnesses? How well do you cope?
Easeful: What type of socks do you normally wear? Do they match? How long/short are they?
Palimpsest: If you could go back and fix one past mistake, what would it be?
Serendipity: What do you want your future to be like? What do you think it will actually be like?
Petrichor: How do you feel about rain? Is it relaxing or stressful to you?
Dalliance: How easily do you let yourself love other people? Is it different if the love is platonic instead of romantic?
Limerence: Does anybody love you? Why do you think they love you?
Harbinger: Do you believe in fate or destiny? Why or why not?
Iridescent: What's your favorite color? Why do you feel drawn to it?
Hiraeth: What does home mean to you? Why is that what it means? Do you have a home?
Bucolic: Is being in crowds stressful for you? Do you like crowds or do you prefer empty places?
The holiday party was a hell of a good time. I had good food, played games, saw some interesting play testing of a newer game. Drank some tasty yule drink. Did a couple of shots, kind of cuddled with my close friend- he gives such good hugs I just.. ah.
Lots of laughter and shit talking. It was really wonderful so I can't complain, I knew I was looking forward to that party for a reason and it was everything I could have hoped for.
Ive seen many things relate to both autism and adhd like its crazy
â€œA Cloud and Landscape Study by Moonlightâ€ (1822), Johan-Christian-Clausen Dahl